MENTIONS OF SUICIDE IN THIS CHAPTER
Nick Point of View:
This girl is the most infuriating person I have ever met and I say this fully aware that I have been to war and experienced life from a soldiers point of view. She just doesn listen. Such a stubborn child. I only want whats best for her and instead of thanking me, she starts bitching about how Im overprotective and I should be focusing on moving forward and getting to that God damn patch of land that Im pretty sure doesn exist but one thing Ive learned about Alex is when she sets her mind on something she has to complete it. in some ways that are admirable but in others it is considered dangerous.
if only this girl listened to me and rested for a few days we wouldn be in this situation. we would be much further away than where we already were. All of the time I had almost been beaten to death by the wardens for not continuing my mission was reminded to me. " To be strong one must endure the harshest methods". these methods consisted of hitting children until they were almost beaten to death. I didn want this to happen and always refused until they would threaten my family who wanted me here in the first place. my father was a lieutenant in the air force and ever since I can remember has always wanted me to follow in his footsteps, including my little brother who was 9 years younger than I was. Everyone In my family pushed me to be something Im not. I wanted to be an educator, to teach children and show them what the world has to offer but my father had other plans. My father and I never got along, he used to hit me to the point of not being able to get up the next day for school. he said I needed to get used to the punches, I needed to be tougher, stronger practically invincible. my mother would always tend to my injuries as best as she could. I could handle his abusive moments however when my brother was born that was a different story. My father had started to be abusive to Baby Kol as well and after that, I only saw red. I wouldn let my brother go through what I went through and so I punched my father as hard as I could which ended up in a blood match. I lost, he was still stronger than me however he didn beat me, he congratulated me and told me that is how I had to be in life, a ruthless man.
When I turned 20, I was immediately enlisted in the army after 2 years of non-stop training. Although I didn want it, it brought me to shape, I felt strong, but I would never forget my roots. I did it from my brother so that no harm could come to him ever again. Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. I was there till I was 23. That was when I had enough and left, ran away, there was nothing left for me anymore. I was too focused on my thoughts that I forgot about Alex. even after those cold nights of mental torture didn prepare me for this. she asked me why I cared about her. that was a good question that I didn have the answer to.
there was something different about her, she had been through so much that had made her closed off but I could tell there was someone in that closed shell of hers and Im beginning to crack it open as time goes by. all I got from her was that she was born in an orphanage. I wanted to know more, I didn know why, I never really cared for anyone else besides my brother and mother. yet the bravery and passion she has reminded me of myself when I was in the army. I wanted to protect her from herself, to not become the bloodless cold killer I was. what I had to endure is something that no person should go through. someone as kind, determined and beautiful as her should have a happy life with no worries, a smile on her face 24/7. the only question is if I was that person to give her those moments. how does she see me? as this annoying man who accompanied her on this journey that she wanted to complete on her own, or a guardian and companion who cares for her and someone she looks up to?
I thought all these things as I stitched her up again, I kept checking up on her to make sure not too much blood was spilling out. Alex was making a lot of noise and to quiet down, she bit my good shoulder. now it had been a while since Ive shared intimacy with someone, definitely before the pandemic. I blamed the longevity of it all that I got turned on and a soft moan left my mouth when Alex bit my shoulder. Feelings started to stir as I stitched her up but I couldn get distracted, I could potentially hurt her so I tuned her out and tried my best to not focus on my dick.
I finally stitched her up and laid her down on the mattress, she felt light in my arms soon realising she had passed out again. I made sure she was okay until I went to go find some food and blankets for us to sleep on, hoping when I got back she would have gained consciousness again.
Pain. Thats the first thing I felt when I opened my eyes. I felt disoriented and couldn really remember the last events that took place.before me stood a ceiling, that was about to fall apart at any second. i looked to my right and saw a a brown coloured wooden wall that already had a massive hole in it able to look outside with acting like a window with a slight breeze passing through although still made me shiver slightly. to my left was an empty room, with a few other mattresses surrounding it keeping the room company however they were all damaged or molding. i hope nick put me on a mattress that was not damaged. Nick! i remember something! we had a fight outside about him caring and then blood.. so much blood. visual memory left me after that but I do remember a feeling. a feeling I hadn felt in a long time, a longing. i hadn realised that I unlocked a memory hidden way away inside my brain.
20 years ago
Im so scared, so alone. Im hiding in the wardrobe crying while clutching my stuffed bear hoping he can keep me company so no one can harm me. they call me names and that I should kill myself, they slap me and tell me Im doing everything wrong and thats why Im in here. this orphanage sucks, i hate it here, i know no one, no one loves me, Im alone forever.
i felt the wardrobe open and laughing on the other side " hey i found her, the loser is here crying with her little fake friend, so dumh, just die already you bitch" being a kid no one should use these words but it was the only thing we ever heard and of course the oldest one here who was only 8 commanded everyone and everything, she did everything she was told and got the least amount of hits from the nuns. that made her superior. i intended to get out of their but she and her friends had other plans. she took my bear and started yanking it to tear it apart. i started yelling and crying and jumping to get it away from her dirty hands but she only stopped when his hands and feet were torn off. she left me on the floor sobbing and everyone laughing at how pathetic i am. Now i really have no body.
15 years ago:
Ive learnt a lot from being here. the main one is to be quiet. if Im quiet i don risk getting beat up, the less i get beat the less i cry. Im still alone, i want some company, someone to talk to, Im scared, at least i have my stuffed bear to help me along the way but it still isn enough. i need a human being contact i need-
"MOVE GIRL" My thoughts are suddenly cut off as a slap was committed across my face. my head was already hurting and this hit made it worse, i fell to the floor with the impact and stayed down, knowing if i get up ill be beaten again.
" YOU HAVENT DONE HALF OF YOUR WORK TODAY, YOU DISGRACE OF A CHILD... no wonder no one has adopted you yet, who would want someone like you, if i was your mother i would have ended your life the minute i saw you, your not worth the hassle. get up and do your job"
" yes mam" i whispered slowly in pain as i sobbed quietly. i got up and ran in my bedroom and hid in the closet where i kept my half bear and squeezed him till i felt better. i squeezed for a long time. nothing had changed, i was still a lonely loser hoping for an out, it never came.
10 years ago:
thats it, Im out of here, I cant take it anymore, the bullying, the hitting, the constant mental abuse, the fact that my only job is to clean every part of this god damn household and if I see another toliet im gonna- no. Im done. never again. ill plan my downfall tonight, Im ending my life, there is nothing better to do anyway. ill wait for tonight for the perfect moment so no one can disturb me. its finally happening, my freedom, but at what cost if I have to lose my life to get it. id rather the other hell then the one Im living in.
it was about 5pm ready for the orphanage to close for the night, so visiting hours would be prohibited. i was very nervous, sweating like a hooker in church, I cant believe I was about to go through with it. i kept thinking about it as I saw the sun go down slowly, very slowly, as if the sun knew what i was going to do and decided to go down extremely slow, almost antagonising me to see if i would really go through with the devils deed. i would, the sun wouldn be able to see, but the moon would, and he would tell the sun the next day of what i had done. after all what was the point of living? nno one would care, the sun will still rise the next day and then set and right after the moon and then it would repeat the day after that and you, forgotten that you even were there 2 days before, saying goodbye to the sun who never cared for you in the first place.
" excuse me?" a voice said interrupting my thoughts.
i looked back from the window and stared at a dark skinned small girl who was probably my age, 15, she had a smile on her face and a bag which was bigger than her. her clothes were quite average, a white top and leggings with a dungerie over them. why is she so happy? its not like this is a small holiday. this is forever, she better know that or she wont survive the night.
" what." i said not really interested in this conversation
" where am i gonna sleep" she said quite confidentally
" on a bed. pick one." i turned back to look out of my window to say goodbye to the sun forever but she kept on talking interrupting my goodbyes.
" just anyone? what if i take somebodies?" she questioned
" i doubt they would care" why wouldn she just leave already
" would you?" what did she say?
" what?" i whispered as i looked at her confusingly
" would you care if i took your bed?"
she asked me if i cared.. she wanted to know my opinion.. why would she care about my opinion, no one ever did.
" it wouldn matter, its not like Im ever going to use it again" i confess, i don know why, i just felt the need to with this girl i had never met before.
" oh! congrats someone adopted you?!" i wish. but no one wanted me
" so how can you- oh Girl NO." she yelled and rushed to me grabbed my shoulders and turned me around to face her stunning me.
" HEY. Look at me white girl, YOU under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are to do what you think your going to do UNDERSTAND?" who the hell does this girl think she is
" who the hell do you think you are, you
e here 2 seconds and telling me what i can and cant do"
" listen to me, gem, everyones got a story in this world and our only duty is to live it and then when we get older, we tell it. thats our job, you cant quit your day job or else your story will be ruined."
" who will i tell my story to if no one will listen?" i whisper almost sobbing
" Ill listen. come on out with it then, lets hear what youve written so far gem" she said while sitting down next to me intending to listen. from then on we were inseparable, she made me forget about my plans, she showed me a new perspective of life, how to better my story and how to live it. everyone respected and loved Dolly, thats what everyone called her for a nickname, mine was gem. with her reputation mine increased as well and soon i became respected to, it was all thanks to her.